WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.