[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
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Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
(Musicians.)
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
very niche meme I made
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it