my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.