Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.