So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
You Might Also Like
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.