It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
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“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.