I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
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When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Perfect.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
This January has 47 Mondays
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.