the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
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H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
May never get over this
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.