“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
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a public service announcement
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…