12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
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“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Does it…does it take 3 days
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?