DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
The best shot in the history of golf
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way