Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
marvel comics have peaked
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The prophecy is fulfilled
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same