Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Seems a bit forward
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Thursday
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.