My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
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Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man