“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
All set.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[loses house key, starts a new life]
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.