thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”