I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
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Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.