Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
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Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 馃幎…
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
FedEx tracking:
1. we don鈥檛 know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?