[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Not😆🤣
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Happy Star Wars day!
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”