If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.