According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
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I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
This guy gets it.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable