Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
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Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.