Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light