Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
You Might Also Like
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit