πππ₯°ππ
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way youβre prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me itβs thanks.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
βOh, hey! I didnβt even recognize you!β means βI saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.β
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
i just blocked everyone whoβs face i donβt like, so if youβre seeing thisβ¦hiii
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
mowed β of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years