Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds