Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
ACED my prostate exam!
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Skills
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Yup!
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.