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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.