Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
You Might Also Like
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*