“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
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My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I SAID: How鈥檚 vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I鈥檝e got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don鈥檛 say thank you when you hold it for them.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(馃憜)
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I think I鈥檓 finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt鈥檚 so hard to meet people these days
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M鈥檚 flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.