It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
live long and prosper!
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
me when I see my crush
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.