I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
You Might Also Like
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol