“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
You Might Also Like
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Did I do this right
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
lol
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates