[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
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DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.