My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
The prophecy is fulfilled
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.