Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
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My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best