I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
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*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Have a lovely day 😊
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*