[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
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shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers