I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Most fashion shows these days…
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”