If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
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[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
become ungovernable
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school