me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY: