I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode