Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
You Might Also Like
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.