A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
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There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow