Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
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Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
They’re the worst 😩
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.