All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
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When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.