I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
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Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE