Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
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No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.