Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.