*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?